Tiny Worried

Tiny: I’m warning you!!! Parating na Husband ko in one Hour!
C2: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama ah?
Tiny: Kaya nga!!! Kung may balak ka…Gawin mo na!!!
hahahaha

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Kumpisal sa mga Madre

Mga madreng makukumpisal sa simbahann
Madre #1 : father nakita po ako ng ari ng lalake..
Pari: maghilamos k ng holywater..
Madre #2: father nakahawak po ako ng ari ng lalake
Pari: maghugas k ng kamay mo gamit ang holy water
Madre #3: father alam ko na po gagawin ko..
Pari: ano?
Madre #3: magmumumog na po ako ng holy water!
wahahahah....

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GF ni Pedong

GF: hon, naiihi ako
Pedong: ok.. dyan ka na lang sa damuhan…(habang umiihi kinapa kapa ni Pedong ang legs ni gf ng may nahawakan siyang mahaba sa gitna ng legs)
Pedong: Pucha!!! nagpalit ka ba ng kasarian??
GF: Ulol!! nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon… dudumi na lang ako!!!
ngekzzzzzz….

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US Navy VS Pinoy

Isang gabing umuulan at may bagyo, may US Navy Ship na dumaraan sa northern Philippines. Ganito ang conversation.

US Ship: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
Pinoy: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Pinoy: Tang na mo. No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

US Ship: (Galit na) This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Eisenhower, the 2nd largest ship in the US Navy. We're accompanied by 3 Cruisers 3 Destroyers, and numerous vessels. I DEMAND that you change your Course 15 Degrees North, or COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO INSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

Pinoy: (Cool na Cool) Okay, this the lighthouse atop a Rocky Hill, gusto mo, banggaan tayo!

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Future Family

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a
word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Stranded

May lalaki na stranded sa isla. Isang araw, may nakita siyang barko na palapit sa isla. Mayat-maya, may umahon na seksing babaing naka suot ng Scuba/Wet Suit. Lapit agad ang lalaki kaya nagtanong ang bebot.
Babae: Ilang taon na ba na walang kang sigarilyo dito sa isla?
Lalaki: "Mahigit na 10 taon." Binuksan ng babae ang kaliwang pocket ng Suit, kinuha ang 1 kahang yosi at binigay ito sa lalaki. Ang bilis magsindi at ang sabi: "Naku ang sarap talaga!" Biro mo, mahigit na 10 taon na rin ako na walang sigarilyo!"
Babae: Ilang taon na di ka uminom ng alak?"
Lalaki: Mga 10 taon na rin. Ilang saglit lang, binuksan ng Babae ang kanang bulsa ng Suit. Inalis ang isang mamahaling alak at inabot sa lalaki. Ang bilis uminom ng lalaki at halos maubos ang laman ng botelya.
Lalaki: " Ang sarap, lalung-lalo na pag di ka nakatikim ng isang bagay ng matagal!" Lumipas ang ilang minuto, nakita niyang binukbuksan ng babae ang mahabang zipper sa harapan ng wet suit at sabay na pabulong sa teynga ng lalaki, "Ilang taon na ba di ka nagkaroon ng kaligayahan?"
Lalaki: "Naku po, huwag mong sabihin na may dalang Golf Club ka doon sa wet suit!"

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Call Girl

misis1: lolokohin ko ang mister ko kunwari isa akong call girl
misis2: o sige game ako jan!
nakita ni misis1 c mister
misis1: helllo boy pwede ka ba ngaun?
mister: ayoko nga sayo kamukha mo miss ko!

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Good Samaritans

The man in the bar was about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home.”
The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

Short URL: http://pinoyjokes.net/main/?p=2719

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Erap Spell

Kausap ni Erap ang Abu sayyaf at nag nenegoiate pra mapalaya ang red cross
Abu sayyaf papalayain ko ang aming biktima kung maiispell mo ang mississippi
Erap: pwede manila bay nalang hehe

Ngek!!

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Tanong Sa Pari

A girl asked a priest, "What is devil, hell and heaven?"

The priest explains, "Between my two legs is the devil. Between your two legs is hell. Lock the devil into hell and you see heaven!"

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Ulam

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

Short URL: http://pinoyjokes.net/main/?p=2677

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Aplikante

Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis
niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

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Pacman Sa Bangko

Mag-wiwithdraw ng money si Manny sa banko.
Manny:  Bigyan mo nga ako ng PIN dahil magwi-withdraw ako.
Teller: Dapat ay may sarili na kayong PIN na ginagamit.
Manny: Oo nga pero nakalimutan ko,eh.
Teller: Sorry,sir pero di ko kayo matutulungan.
Manny: Puwede bang lapis ang gamitin ko at hindi na bull pin?

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Pagtatapat

Sa emergency room:
Husband:Honey, may ipagtatapat ako sa ‘yo. Baka kasi di na ako magtatagal.
Wife:Huwag mong sabihin iyan Darling, mabubuhay ka pa nang matagal. Ano ba iyong ipagtapat mo sa ‘kin ha.
Husband: May relasyon kami ni Mareng Auring. Buntis siya ngayon.
Wife: Ganon ba! Nurse… nurse… huwag niyo nang tulungan ang asawa ko para matuluyan na.

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Blood Type

Vampire 1: Namumutla ka lalo a, may sakit ka ba?
Vampire 2: Oo, iyong nasipsip ko may severe anemia pala kaya nahawaan tuloy ako.
Vampire 1: E, papano iyan?
Vampire 2: Punta ako sa hospital, magpapaabono ako ng dugo.
Vampire 1: Ano ba iyong type ng dugo mo, A, B , O?
Vampire 2: Di ako sure, basta nasa A up to Z iyon.

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All About Marriage

Fact  or Fiction (you make the  call):    
1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.    
2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.    
3.  Married  life is very frustrating.     
.In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.     
.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.     
.In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbors listen..    
4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.    
5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.    
6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.    
7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.      
8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.    
9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!      
10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.      
11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.
13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.
14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Short URL: http://pinoyjokes.net/main/?p=2715

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Professional Disease

A policeman complains to the doctor:
“I get home after work and kiss my wife. But her forehead always starts to bleed. What’s wrong with her?”
“Oh, that is a very common case,” the doctor says. “Many of your collegues have seen me with the same problem. All you have to do is to take off your police cap before you kiss your wife.”
“That’s just nice, doctor! Next thing you might want me to take my whistle out of my mouth before kissing, too.”

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Tambal Para Sa Mga Bayot

Pare 1: Bay unsa may tambal para di mosamot kabayot akong anak.
Pare 2: Sayon ra na Pre, ANTI-BAYOTICS

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Pasahero VS Driver

Pasahero : manong bayad !
Driver : saan galing ?
Pasahero : sa bulsa ko !
Driver : hindi ang tanong ko saan ka sumakay .
Pasahero : sa jeep mo !
Driver : *bumubulong* (pilosopo tong taong to ah . mabigyan nga ng kulang na sukli .)
Pasahero : manong bakit kulang yung sukli ? magkano po ba q…uiapo ?
Driver : bakit bibilhin mo ang quiapo ?

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Unexpected Reward

A quite boozy dentist sits in his practice on a Christmas Eve. There rushes an older woman into his cabinet, moaning:
“O! My tooth hurts like hell! Pull it out, son!”
“I am a bit boozy,” the dentist argues. “I might get a wrong tooth. You better come after the Christmas.”
“Take it off, now! I’ll pay you! I cannot stand it anymore!”
So the doctor gets down to it. Puts the old woman into his chair, tells her to open her mouth, puts the pincers into her mouth and… The old lady screams, leaps up and rushes out of the cabinet.
After a couple of days a well-suited businessman walks into the same dentist’s practice and asks:
“Doctor, did you pull out a tooth of and old lady on the Christmas Eve?”
“Yes, I did,” the dentist says, wondering if he’s in trouble now…
“Well, here is 50 000 dollars and the keys of a SUV,” the businessman says.
“For what is that?” the doctor asks.
“That woman was my mother-in-law. And you pulled out not the tooth but her tongue.”

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